7 reasons not to mess with children. 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher: said it was 

physically impossible for a whale to swallow A human because even though

 it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated 

that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a 

whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little 

girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, "What

 if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they

 were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

 As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the

 drawing was. The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher: paused and

 said, "But no one knows what God  looks like." Without missing a beat, or 

looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 

five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy 

Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us 

how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy: 

(the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl  was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the 

kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of 

white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her 

mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and 

make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought 

about this revelation for a while and then said "Momma, how come ALL of 

grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the  teacher was trying to 

persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how 

nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's 

Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the

back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make 

the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as 

you know, would run into it, and I would turn red In the face.." "Yes," the 

class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary 

position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause 

your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school 

for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made 

a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large 

pile of chocolate chip  cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. 

God is watching the apples". 

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The Old
man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed
one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of His wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they  were
thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two
of them". As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they
were just fine They were used to sharing everything.  The surrounding people
noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young
man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This
time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are  used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the
young man again came over and once again offered to buy more food. After
once again having his offer refused, he finally asked the little old lady " What
is it you are waiting for?" She  answered.."THE  TEETH".

Highlights of Real Phrases from Hospital Charts

1. The patient refused autopsy
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away.  
At the end of the service the pall bearers were carrying out the casket when 
the accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint 
moan.  Opening the casket they find that the woman is actually alive! She 
lives for ten more years and then dies.  Once again a ceremony is held, and 
at the end of it the pall bearers again carry out the casket.  As they move 
towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that Wall!”

I saw an old lady sobbing on a park bench.  When I asked what the problem 
was she said “I have a 22 year old husband at home.  He makes love to me 
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, freshly ground 
coffee”.  I asked her “Why are you crying?” She said, “He makes me 
homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love 
to me again in the afternoon”.  Still sobbing, she add, “For dinner he makes 
me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite desert and then tends to my 
every need”.  “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” I asked. She 
said, “I can’t remember where I live”.

The Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Words of Wisdom

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, 
  for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just push off and 
  leave me alone!

• The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to 
  steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

• Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you 
  can't be promoted.

• Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

• If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing 
  a couple of mortgage payments

• Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 
  That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have 
  their shoes.

• If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and 
  he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

• There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. 
  Neither one works.

• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.